I laid awake in bed tonight with thoughts welling in my head on my life and how I could spend it. I seem to face sleepless nights like these more often now and have not slept through the night in over a week now. My solution to this problem was to throw twelve dollars at a domain name that I will most likely use this one time. I guess that is part of the problem, money does not seem real to me and never has. I grew up in a middle class home so food on the table was never a question, and maybe as a result money carries no weight for me. I have always been able to feed myself regardless of my financial situation, fully due to the generosity of others.
I feel as though I am rambling. I guess I should explain my thoughts if any soul accidentally stumbles upon this corner of the internet I have claimed for myself. I myself am a 19 year old who has just finished his first year of University. I live in the US and have had an extremely blessed life. My parents are still together, there has been minimal tragedy within my world, and as I said earlier I don't know what it's like to not know if I'd be able to feed myself. I bought this blog I guess as a way to organize my own thoughts. I have struggled with depression for the past three years and it is thankfully in control currently however I once again feel the great weight of emotions building against the thin dam of my psyche. My ability to start a project and never finish it is astonishing, hence my comment earlier on how this very well be my only post. That is what I was struggling with tonight. My grades for my freshman year were not fantastic. While never being in threat to leave my university, I am in no position to be able to pursue my goal of enrolling in its nursing school.
This is entirely of my own fault, as I am lazy. My parents and teachers have told me I am smart, and I do agree that I can pick things up with relative quickness. However I never motivate myself to do so, which seems to be contrary to the idea of intelligence. If one were smart, they would seek to improve and I do no such thing, at least in a tangible way. However like all people I wish for achievement. I sat an bed tonight thinking on the wonders of becoming a painter. This is not the first time I have had this dream as I have multiple paints and canvases sitting across from me at this very moment. I however posses no natural ability towards art as I have always had poor fine motor control and a lack of perspective in the way of light. Yet these are all just excuses and things I could overcome if I dedicated my time to learning how to properly paint. But alas, the canvas sits empty across from me as the paints slowly dry within their own pots.
I do not know what I want. If I were to make a career for myself I could become a nurse as I said before. I'm good with caring for people and have invested plenty of time within the field of medicine. Just as easily however I could drop it all and study film in hopes of becoming a director. In fear of making the wring choice I sit ideally by as the world makes choices for me. I did not need to go to college, but as a middle class white male that was the next obvious step in my life.
I guess what I'm getting at is the fact that I'm unsure. Could I drop everything, cut ties, burn bridges, and lose friends just to live in Europe and absorb the culture. Of course I could but that is not a secure choice, nor one I could easily motivate myself to stick to if things became hard. I am a creature of comfort and will go down the path of least resistance, even if that path leads me to a useless degree in a place I don't want to be.
There are very obvious tangible goals I want for my life. I want to find someone I can love and who can love me. I want to get married and have children with that person, and be able to help support my children. On the other hand however I want to be great. I want to be able to create art that will be remembered, or lead men in a way that my name is etched in history. Do these two things easily line up? I can't say they do in my case, as I can not seem to motivate myself to accomplish much besides what is expected of me.
I fear mediocracy and yet I continually pursue it with hopes that a different result will emerge.
